


Distance Makes the Heart Grow Colder

by WednesdayAngeline



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, F/F, depression tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-30
Updated: 2017-10-30
Packaged: 2019-01-26 20:27:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12565540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WednesdayAngeline/pseuds/WednesdayAngeline
Summary: Sharon quits her job. Alaska, her girlfriend, tries to hold things together. Angst one-shot.





	Distance Makes the Heart Grow Colder

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, Wednesday here! It’s been eons! I’ve been drenched in misery so I’m trying to produce a few more angsty things but for now I hope you enjoy this. Would love feedback here or over on my blog (@wednesdayangeline), and any comments you may have x

**_I. Do You Love Me Too_ **

“Sharon? Babe, I’m home!”

“Sharon?”

The door slams behind her. Alaska curses under her breath as her hip bumps into a chair in her eagerness to find her girlfriend.

_She must be having a bad day._

_There’s been a lot of those lately._

She walks in the bedroom to find Sharon still in the t-shirt and shorts she wore to sleep last night, half asleep. Alaska tries to keep the frown out of her expression. “Hey. Been sleeping in all day?”

Sharon shrugs, blearily rubbing at her eyes. “Not really. I had lunch.” She combs limp blonde hair out of her face, glancing for the first time at Alaska.

“That’s good,” Alaska replies, letting her hair down from its ponytail. “How was today?”

Sharon shrugs again, eyes staring vacantly at her girlfriend. “You tell me.” She turns to the other side of the bed, her hair covering her face again.

Alaska sighs. Sharon hasn’t showered in…was it four, five days now? _I guess I gotta get used to this._ She gently leans over and combs her girlfriend’s hair with her fingers, trying to untangle the greasy strands. “Aren’t you going to ask me how my day went?” she prods.

Sharon doesn’t bother looking at her. “How did your day go?” she asks, a hint of irritation in her tone.

“Two of your students recognized me today at the café, they said they’re from your junior class. A girl called Farrah and a guy, I think his name was Daniel?” Alaska wrinkles her brow as she tries to remember.

“Danny,” Sharon corrects. She resigned from working at Riverpine High as an English teacher two months ago after having a mental breakdown in front of that very same junior class. It wasn’t her first one either – she’s been spotted by students and colleagues with puffy cheeks and red eyes after crying in the staff washroom, but that was the last straw. The principal strongly encouraged her to resign voluntarily, and that she did.

“Yeah, Danny. They asked if I was Miss Needles’ girlfriend, and I said yeah,” Alaska continues, grinning as she recounts the situation.

Sharon groans internally. Farrah was the most attentive in her class, and Danny the most passionate. _Fuck, now I feel like shit for resigning mid-year. Are they here to hunt me down?_

“Farrah said to let you know that the whole class misses you and hopes you’re okay, she said she’s texted you but maybe it didn’t send through. Oh, and Danny says he’s sorry if you left because he winded you up too much. I told him I’m sure he didn’t.” Alaska pauses. “It wasn’t him, right?” She herself wasn’t really quite sure why Sharon quit, since the other woman constantly avoided the topic when she tried bringing it up.

Sharon shakes her head. “Not at all. He’s a good kid. Tell them thanks if you see them.” _God, I wish I could apologize to them myself. They’re such sweet kids, they don’t deserve a selfish, irresponsible teacher like me._

Alaska hesitates- wanting to ask more, but also knowing that she won’t be able to force an answer out of her hard-headed girlfriend. “Uh, well- did you get the girl’s texts? Maybe you can let them know that you’re, uh…fine.”

_Is she?_

Sharon nods. “Go shower, you’ve had a long day.”

“I love you.”

“…okay.”

 

**_II. Hello, How Are You_ **

Sharon checks her messages a week after Farrah and Danny talked to Alaska, tired of seeing the accumulating notifications.

_From: Farrah Moan_

Hello Miss Needles! Sorry if I’m bothering you, hope you’re doing well, our class misses you very much. Miss Malanaphy is teaching us now but she’s just not the same! :(

_From: Naomi Smalls_

Hey Miss N, sending best wishes to you, get well soon!!!!!

_From: Max Malanaphy_

Hello Sharon, this is Max Malanaphy. I’m writing to let you know that I will be taking over your junior and senior classes, please let me know if there is anything I should be concerned about. Alyssa will be teaching your sophomores.

_From: Laila Mcqueen_

Hi Miss Needles, take care and get tons of rest. Miss Edwards says you’re sick or something. Everything here’s cool we’re working hard I promise

Sharon switches her phone off. _Why did I think that would make me feel better?_

She used to be so passionate about teaching, about passing on knowledge to the younger generation. Ever since she left, any reminder of the school just leaves her more depressed.

_I’ve failed them, their futures dependent on these grades and I abandoned them right before the final stretch. What kind of teacher am I? Does teaching mean anything to me? Because if it did, then I would’ve been able to control myself, right?_

_Great, Sharon Needles, so you’ve always been this selfish and self-centered, you just haven’t realized it until now. So, teaching is just a job for you, there isn’t any passion or care. It’s all fake, all for reputation and promotions isn’t it?_

It’s been a thought that’s circled her mind all too much lately. It is quite odd, having taught at the same school for five years and devoting so much of her time to helping these kids get the best education they can have in today’s crumbling society, and only questioning this after she’s left the school. Sharon knows it’s just her mind making things up, but the stupid hypothetical thoughts keep knocking at her.

_I have wasted so much of my life. And at the end of it, I’m twenty-nine, depressed, and unemployed. I spend each day trying to lure myself into dreamless sleep to avoid facing the messes I’ve created, and the remainder of the time crying into my pillow. What the fuck._

Sharon wishes she didn’t have the meltdown in front of her class. Then everything would’ve been fine. But she couldn’t control it, because she was stupid and emotional and not the calm, smart role model she should’ve been for her students. And she didn’t even hate her job the least bit- she loved it- _when I had my job, that is._ But that doesn’t ease the constant stress that drove her to tears again and again.

She glances at Alaska, sleeping soundly on the other side of the bed, and her heart floods with guilt.

_No, I’m an ungrateful little shit. I have a loving girlfriend who’s given me more than enough space and is still handling my moods better than I am, given that half our income is fucking gone and I’m moping around all day like a teenager. I should do something…but I don’t have the motivation and any energy I have is spent on imagining horrible hypothetical situations about the future._

_Story of my life._

Sharon knows she has to pull herself together someday, that she can’t go on too long like this when she’s already pushing her luck. They can’t rely on what Alaska earns from the café and she’s not even sure how long she’ll last with Alaska if she continues acting like this.

_I have too much time to think, and not enough energy to do much else._

 

**_III. Forget-Me-Not_ **

Alaska wipes away a tear as she closed the bathroom door. She misses Sharon. She misses talking to her girlfriend who would crack up over the stupidest puns, who would always beg to dress her up in gothy scarves and tell her stories about silly things that happened in class.

_I miss when she cared, when we felt like a functioning relationship._

_“Okay, enough, I’m fucking sick and tired of your bullshit. First you expect me to supply enough income for both of us- fine. Then you ignore me and shut me out, you pretend that I’m not here when I greet you, you won’t let me care for you! I want to care, Sharon Needles, I really do. Even though I know you don’t care about yourself or about me.”_ Alaska can still hear her own words echoing, the very same sentences she hurled at Sharon just a few minutes ago. She shudders as her girlfriend’s expression appeared in her mind – a mixture of shock, hurt and anger.

_What reason did she have to be angry? Everything I fucking said was right._

_I wish she gave more of a shit about me. Is that selfish, is that so much to ask for? She’s not the only one with issues, and troubling thoughts, and obstacles. I just want it to be my turn to be taken care of._

 

**_IV. Home Visit_ **

_From: Jinkx Monsoon_

See you in 5 minutes!

_This is the first person I’ve seen besides Alaska after I quit._

But how could Sharon have said no when Jinkx, her best friend and fellow colleague, insisted? For old times’ sake, she had said. She felt too awkward to say otherwise. _Always the pushover, you really are._

Sharon, for the first time in three weeks, showered. She feels surprisingly refreshed, but already slightly drained, not having moved much recently, let alone stood up for a period of time. She moves her head around, trying to shake off the grogginess that still plagues her.

Looking in the mirror, she tries to make herself presentable, tying her hair in a ponytail and changing into a button-up shirt and skirt – not that Jinkx wouldn’t outdo her, the other teacher having a more dramatic wardrobe taste.

The doorbell rings, and Sharon’s heartbeat speeds up as she heads to the front door.

_What if I’m not ready?_

_Here goes nothing._

“Sharon!” Jinkx greets her with a grin, which briefly drops in dismay as she takes in the other woman’s changed appearance. Recomposing herself, she pulls Sharon in for a hug. “We’ve all missed you at school!”

“Hey, Jinkxy. I’ve missed you too,” Sharon replies. “Have a seat at the sofa, I’ll go make some coffee and we can catch up.”

Jinkx looks out the window as she thinks. _What’s happened to Sharon?_ The Sharon she knew had brighter eyes, rounder cheeks, and more energy than a seven-year-old. She’s comforted Sharon once or twice during breakdowns, but Sharon always regained composure quickly, bouncing back to her goofy enthusiastic self.

Sharon sat down on the other end of the sofa as she set two cups of coffee down. “How is everyone?”

Jinkx shrugs. “The usual. A few kids asked about you, most of us just tell them that you needed a break. Max and Alyssa both manage okay with your classes I think.” She sips the coffee. “How are you, Sharon? You look…different.”

“I look like shit, you mean,” Sharon says, laughing bitterly. “It’s okay, you can say that, I don’t mind.”

Jinkx nods. “How have things been?” she repeats.

“There’s not much to talk about. I sleep a lot…and I’m tired and sad all the time. I guess it shows.” Sharon plays with her fingers, avoiding eye contact with Jinkx. “And I’ve kind of ignored everything else.”

_She’s going to leave now. She’s going to stop being my friend because I’m weird and an irresponsible adult. She’s going to tell me how much I fucked up._

Jinkx lets the silence hang in the air for a while, struggling to come up with a reply. “I’m sorry you’re going through a hard time, sweet pea. Would talking about it help, or do you feel uncomfortable? We can change the subject, we’re meant to be having a nice chat after all.”

Sharon takes a deep breath. “I guess I can talk about it. I’ve just been feeling really down. Like I’m not doing anything useful and sometimes I’m just sad and my head pounds a lot, but I have no idea why, because my life went so well and I didn’t even have any issues with my family and I just feel like a really sad ungrateful twat all the time.” She buries her face in her hands.

Jinkx shuffles over and pats Sharon’s back.  “I don’t know how you feel, but I can try and sympathize. It’s okay to be sad sweetheart, no matter how your life is or your background, sometimes emotions just fuck with us when we least expect it. You’ll always have your friends and Alaska there for you,” she comforts.

Sharon’s red-rimmed eyes looks at Jinkx’s. “Alaska won’t be there for me. She’s tired of me, and I don’t blame her- she told me she doesn’t care anymore if I was mad at her or not,” Sharon choked back tears. “But I care. I’m not mad at her. But it’s okay if she’s mad at me. Because she should be, I’ve been such a burden to her.”

“Oh, Sharon,” Jinkx murmurs. “You know- if she isn’t helping, a change of environment might help?”

Sharon shook her head. “I don’t have anywhere to go.”

“You’re welcome to stay at mine. The thing is, Sharon, if Alaska isn’t being supportive of your situation, then maybe you should- I’m not suggesting that it’s permanent, but maybe a break would help? For both of you to clear your minds.”

 

**_V. Ladies Who Lunch_ **

 “I just want her to care,” Alaska whines, “I miss when she did.”

Katya pats Alaska’s shoulder, shooting her a sympathetic look. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“I am, too. I hate complaining about her because I really do love her, but it’s just…wearing me out, you know? Like, she just doesn’t give a shit and lies there, and I’m not even asking her to find a job or anything, just to live like an adult with basic fucking hygiene. She barely ever showers unless there’s guests, Kat.” Alaska exhales loudly, leaning back in her chair.

Katya winces. “It has to suck living with her, Lasky. I get that it’s tiring for you.”

“Yeah.”

“But maybe Sharon herself isn’t in the right place right now? Maybe she does need someone responsible to care for her- I don’t know, Lask. I’ve met Sharon and she wasn’t like this, like what you describe her to be, and she seems to be needing help.” Katya drums her fingers on the table, observing Alaska’s reaction. She thinks of Sharon, the few times she’s seen her, Alaska’s girlfriend was always sweet, quite loud, and shared perfect chemistry with Alaska. Not this stranger Alaska speaks of.

Alaska resisted the urge to roll her eyes. “So you are telling me that I should put up with this then? God, I should have kn–”

“No, let me finish. I’m just saying that it would be good for her to have some help. It doesn’t have to be with you, this is not affecting you in a good way either, but maybe having her stay with someone else, a friend or relative maybe, would alleviate your stress and also help her with whatever she’s struggling with. When you face a problem, Alaska, you have to find a solution, not complain about it and wait for it to solve itself.”

Alaska nods. “Thanks, Katya. You always know what to do.”

That night, Alaska mulls over the possibility of a break-up. _Maybe it is for the best._

**_VI. I Lost All Hope Today_ **

 “Sharon!”

Sharon rubs her eyes, woken by the racket at the door. _What the fuck?_

“Shaaaaaaaaron! Come on! Open the fucking dooooor!” Alaska’s unmistakable drawl, slurred, could wake the neighbors. Sharon sighs and drags herself to the door.

“What the fuck Alaska,” she mumbles weakly. Alaska stumbles in, makeup runny and a bottle in hand, wrapping an arm around Sharon.

Alaska slams the bottle onto their coffee table. “I think I’m gonna puke…”

Sharon follows Alaska down the corridor to the toilet, helping her keep her hair up as Alaska vomits into the toilet bowl, now completely awake from the turn of events. She can’t help but feel irritated- that Alaska was so irresponsible to get drunk when it was a work day tomorrow. Expecting Sharon to clean up after her, when they were in the middle of a fight that Alaska picked.

Sharon pours a glass of water for Alaska as she cleans up the last of the vomit. “Gargle it, don’t swallow,” she instructs.

Alaska did so, and then begins to ramble again. “You know, I really miss when you would be this caring, I don’t know what the fuck’s gotten into you the last few months but I wish you would be my Sharon again…”

Sharon sighs. “You’re drunk, get to bed.” She guides Alaska, her arm still wrapped around the other woman’s torso as she leads them back to the bedroom.

Sharon turns herself so that her back is to Alaska, who was still mumbling about “the old days where everything was happy”. She knew relationships were never perfect, that each had their good and bad days- but surely they’ve used up their bad day quota already. Surely, this isn’t how it’s always going to be?

Maybe it is truly over between them. With Sharon’s own problems, she doesn’t have time to mind the ones between her and Alaska.

 

**_VII. White Noise_ **

_Fuck. I was really fucked up last night._

Alaska didn’t remember anything after her fourth drink at the bar. She knows she wasn’t drugged, it was just too much alcohol for her system. She woke up groggy, but with clean clothes, in her bed.

_Sharon. Fuck. What happened?_

She tries her best to remember. She wants to guess that Sharon had helped her when she came home, but she can’t imagine it. She just can’t. _Sharon doesn’t care enough to do that, does she?_

Alaska ponders the question throughout the day at work, being scolded gently by Shea, her manager, for “constantly daydreaming on the job”. She doesn’t even notice when Danny said hi to her, as he did now every time he saw her at the café, asking her how Sharon is doing.

_How is Sharon doing?_

“I- I’m not quite sure,” Alaska tells the teenager apologetically. “But I’ll tell her you said hi.” _But I never do, because she won’t care anyway, because I don’t want to know if she might care about this random student more than she cares about me, so I won’t risk it_.

Danny nods, shrugging it off. “You don’t look so good yourself, Miss. Take good care of yourselves.”

“Yeah.” Alaska thinks she might burst into tears. This relationship stuck in limbo is driving her nuts. _I might just tell her we need a break. Nothing permanent, just a break, I need to clear my head. Alcohol won’t help._

She comes home to find a letter.

 

**_VIII. Talk to You Later_ **

_Hi Lasky,_

_I’m writing this down as my thoughts come along, please forgive me if it isn’t the most concise._

_This relationship isn’t working anymore. I understand that it is, on the most part, because of me. I’ve been in a very bad place the past months and I wasn’t trusting enough to tell you about it, and I was too depressed to have any energy to just…do anything. And I’m sorry, because I didn’t try harder- or at all. I know._

_And there isn’t any big story behind why I became like this. It’s just a lot of things going on in my mind that overwhelm me you know? Thinking about whether there’s any meaning to existence and all that. Because we all die in the end anyway. But I guess I should snap out of it sometime._

_I really do want to care. I’m sorry. I’m too tired to, and I was a bad girlfriend._

_I’ll be off staying with Jinkx for a bit, and maybe pick up a job somewhere near hers. I’ll come back and clear my junk up, I’ll make sure there aren’t any awkward meetings, okay? I’m sorry this is so abrupt, but please, take care of yourself, and know that this is the best for both of us._

_Maybe we can be friends again one day. I don’t know._

_Talk to you later,_

_Sharon N._


End file.
